Last Friday on Facebook I posted a few thoughts about love-
how it heals what is broken and takes us home. I also wrote,"That it broke
me when someone I loved threw me across the room and I heard from the inside,
the bones of my face cracking on the kitchen floor."
~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer ~
A got a little flurry of emails, messages and a couple of
comments from folks who wondered if I was saying that love threw me across the
room. I wasn't. My then-husband did the throwing and no, he was not being
loving in any sense of the word when he did so.
But love did play a role in the impact that the violence had
on me. Violence at the hands of a stranger must be terrifying. But finding
yourself being battered and bruised by someone you love, someone with whom you
have made love and life-plans, stayed up with all night talking, gone with to
family dinners, shared canoe trips and silly laughter and secret dreams, turns
you inside out.
From my own history and from working with others I know that
the most common reason people give for not leaving someone who continues to
abuse them is, "But I love him/her," or "S/he says s/he loves
me, and I really think s/he means it."
Friends and relatives often respond by saying, "That's
not love!" referring to either the violence- which most certainly is not
love- or the desire to stay where there has been violence (which is a little
more complicated in the face of tearful apologies, pledges to get help, and
promises that it will never happen again.)
Here's what I finally figured out: Love is neither earned or
unearned. It's a lot like grace- it comes and blesses and changes us. If the
person we love abuses us, we don't have to figure out if they still love us
despite their actions, and we don't have to stop loving them to remove
ourselves from the place of being abused.
One of life's hard truths is that human beings sometimes
treat people they love badly. How many of us can say we have never spoken
harshly, aimed a barbed comment we know will hurt in the midst of an intimate
relationship run amok? I am not equating unkind words with physical
violence- there are important differences, including the level of
cooperation required. When my six foot seven husband threw me across a room I
had no choice about feeling pain when I hit the floor. But the truth is, although
in theory words hurt only if we buy into them, in relationships words based on
intimate knowledge of the other can do great harm because we know where the
soft spots are, And in that moment the one on the receiving end doesn't have
much choice about the anguish that arises- it just arises.
When I let myself acknowledge that I loved my husband but
now had good reason to fear for my safety around him, I could leave.When I
stopped obsessing about whether or not he loved me and how it was that someone
could abuse someone they said they loved- could accept that this does indeed
sometimes happen- I could remove myself from the place where violence was
happening.
I am not saying that it is never possible to repair a
relationship that has been marred by violence, although it's a long shot and
not likely to happen without a great deal of skilled assistance. I am saying
that love or no love, removing yourself from an abusive situation is vital to
the mental, physical, and spiritual health of everyone involved, is an act of
love.
I was a very young woman when I was beaten in my first
marriage. It's been decades since I have had contact with the man who threw me
across the room, but I wish him well. I remember the violence, but I also
remember the canoe trips and the love-making, and the hopefulness of new love.
I don't really know if he loved me or not. Honestly- and somewhat oddly- it
doesn't feel like it's any of my business. Occasionally, when he comes to mind,
I do a prayer for him, hold him in a moment when I remember the love I felt for
the young man he was.
What freed me was realizing that I did not have to deny the
love I had for him in order to leave. I just had to allow self-love to shape my
choice. And I'm glad I did.
Oriah (c) 2014
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